Alaskan Cruise Hell

Aug/Sept 2004 – Alaskan Cruise

My (late) husband Andy and I took an Alaskan cruise with his sister (Christylee) and her husband Steve in late August of 2004. While perusing the shore excursion guide we came across a tour for the port of Skagway that caught our eye. The tour started with a “smooth and comfy” boat ride through Glacier Bay to Willoughby Island where we would board a canoe and take a “leisurely” tour of the glacial lake surrounding Davidson Glacier. It sounded perfect and we immediately booked it! Fast forward 4 months. We are enjoying our Alaskan Cruise immensely, its late August and the weather has been just perfect....until…….we arrive in Skagway on a cold, dreary and rainy day but our tour is still on so we board the ultra fast, double hulled ferry to the island. We are dressed in layers for warmth, it’s about 40 Degrees in Skagway and we are told the island will be even colder. When we arrive on the island the weather has taken a turn for the worst and its pouring rain. We board an old school bus and listen to our 20 something tour guide talk about how he hasn’t had a shower in weeks….thanks for sharing dude! The bus drops us off at a tiny cabin in the middle of the woods and we are told to wait in line for our jackets. I'm thinking….jackets? I already have 4 layers on…a long john shirt, a turtle neck, a sweater and a fleece jacket. Once in line, we realize now that on top of our already layered clothes they are going to add a winter jacket, rain pants (the farmer jean kind that go up over your shoulders) a rain coat AND a life jacket! Once they are done piling me in layers, I can barely move….seriously, think Michelin Tire man….yah, that’s me.

So once we are piled 8 high in layers (yet somehow still freezing our asses off and wet from the rain), our smelly tour guide briefs us about the days festivities. He tells us we have a half mile walk thru the woods to reach the canoes and casually mentions that if we see a bear, we “shouldn’t run”. “Not Run”?? Is he fucking kidding me? I can barely walk with 90lbs of extra clothing strapped to my ass running is not even close to being an option at this point!

So we begin our short hike or in my case, short hobble to the canoes. I am so bulky, I can barely see my own feet which worries me...in case you hadnt already figured it out, I'm a bit of a clutz! Sure enough, I hit an exposed root and go flying into my husband Andy. Luckily, he is 6’4” and not a small man....I bounce right off him and somehow find my balance again. As I continue waddling my way to the beach, I am thinking about the “don’t run if you see a bear” comment and I'm not sure if I should be laughing or crying. We finally arrive at our canoes sans bear attack and the rain is now in full force, pelting my face and practically blinding me. We board the canoe, and head out into the glacial lake surrounding Davidson Glacier. The wind is whipping us all over; the rain on my face feels more like hail …..Oh wait, it is hail! Yeah, more fun!! Thus begins our canoe ride from hell. I am nearly blind as my eyes feel like they have been poked out by the hail and I’m so damn cold that my entire body is shivering uncontrollably. Our guide tells us that if the glacier we are viewing calves, the wake will flip us and we would die of hypothermia within minutes. At this point I could give a shit...I welcome death! Im so damn miserable that I just want to get back to the bear infested woods where I am at least partially protected from the screaming hail that is pelting my face! The tour guide is speaking but the howling wind is drowning him out and while I can see his mouth moving all I can hear is the songs they are going to be playing at my funeral! Somehow, by an act of God, we make it out of there alive. We are beaten down by the cold and rain and practically crawl back to the cabin where we shed 3 of our 7 layers in the mud and rain….great.

While we were leisurely canoeing in the placid glacial lake, the storms fury had turned itself on the sea. It was so rough that our boat captain told us that he wouldn’t normally run at all in these conditions but that the cruise ship demanded he get the passengers back so they could depart Skagway. Somehow, I miss the “Don’t use the bathroom” announcement and decide I should visit the lavatory before we depart the island. Mid-bathroom break the boat takes off. Did I mention that this is one of those super fast, jet engine boats that skirts just above the waves? Well, I guess it skirts above waves that are less than 5 feet but since this storm had kicked up 12ft. seas, the boat was doing anything but “skirting”. So we hit the first (of many) huge waves, the boat becomes airborne and then crashes down …BANG!!! You do remember, I am on the toilet during all this right?? I am now wet with toilet water and have a bruise the size of Paris on my right arm from hitting the toilet paper dispenser on my way down from the ceiling. I'm pretty sure I screamed at some point but it’s all a blur to me now. I finally escape the deadly restroom and when I reach my seat I am greeted with hysterical laughter and gasps. We spend the rest of the trip moving between flying through the air and crashing back down to the water. I'm happy to report, we made it back to our ship and after spending a solid 45 minutes in the hot tub I had forgotten about the day’s horrors…well, almost.