Super Masseuse & The Clutzy Gyrl

We were picked up at 5:45am by Chewy our floating market tour guide. He speaks excellent English and is totally gay…..Angie & I are long time faghag’s so we are thrilled at the prospect of spending our day with Chewy. (he may still be in the closet, however this wasn't immediately determined by the sharp albeit outdated Chrissy & Angie gaydar) We arrive by 7am and it’s nearly a ghost town...perfect! We eat rice balls filled with corn and green onion, deep fried apple bananas and sticky rice with mango. We walk along the canal chowing down on our goodies. By 8am the place is getting packed. Lots of locals enjoying breakfast from one of the many food packed boats. Gay boy takes us to a fruit stand, we sample, dragon fruit, mangosteen, mango, star fruit, jack fruit, longan and tamarind. Mangosteen makes me want to scream happy obscenities...it’s so fucking good (think of it as Mangosteen turrets.)! We continue walking along the canal and suddenly I trip on who the hell knows what… I go flying and my flailing arms swat a large unopened beer bottle into the crowd and onto the wooden floor ...SMASH! Beer and glass shards explode into the crowd. I leave as quickly as I can but within minutes am chased down by the beer stand owner (I'm sure she used my trail of blood to find me) and am asked to pay for the beer…WTF? My clumsiness costs me 80 baht! Chewy informs us that it’s time to take the boat portion of our floating market tour. Along the way, we grab some Thai noodle soup …..because we haven't met our one ton food quota for the day. The soup is great with the exception of the nasty piece of liver I don’t notice and eat first. Suddenly, I am torn from my bowl of soup because I hear a loud splash…..Angie's noodle soup has now contaminated with disgusting klong water! (the Thai waterways are called "Klongs" and they are about as clean as an average Thai toilet)Sadly, Angie is forced to toss the entire bowl of soup and our day is forever split into "pre-contamination" and post-contamination" This concludes the pre-contamination portion of our day.
Post-Contamination …..Unfortunately, the dumping of Angie’s soup has caused us to fall behind in our one ton food goal...we will make up for this loss later in the day. So we continue our boat tour which is pretty interesting; we move uncomfortably close to other boats in the market, it’s a klong traffic jam. We tour the "back side" of the market which is like a mini Venice (minus the lovely buildings and handsome gondoliers). We see people doing their laundry, cleaning their houses etc. It’s very interesting and I am grateful that the butt pirate took us to this rarely seen part of the market. Once our boat tour has ended we return to the docks where we are promptly assaulted by vendors selling Plates (of all things) with our photo on it (unbeknownst to us, they took our photos while we were climbing into the boat...because awkwardly climbing into boats always affords great photo opportunities right)?? Angie's plate is noteworthy as she looks totally FREAKED OUT...you would think she just saw a ping pong show…..oh wait, she did see that…nevermind. We finish our floating market tour and proceed to Samut Songkram Maeklong Station to watch a train run over random produce; rotten fish items and nearly kill hundreds of people. I might be exaggerating a little...but not really. We walk along the railroad tracks, the vendors are set up on both sides almost completely covering the tracks. They are selling everything “edible” and I use this term very loosely as I am referring to “food” items like snake, frog, eel and fish jerky. The vendors low awnings coupled with the railroad tracks make this trek a bit scary for me. Situations like this lend themselves to my penchant for tripping and wiping out on even the smallest portion of uneven ground. Normally I end up on the group or even better, knocking the shit outta someone or someone’s "stuff". While waiting for the train we drink Thai iced tea and eat fried rice. Finally the train arrives about 20 minutes late. It’s truly amazing how fast awnings, people and hideous food items move to barely allow the trains passage. Angie and I now munch on sesame honey candy, and sticky rice cooked in a bamboo shoot (we are quickly approaching our one ton goal). On the way back to Bangkok, man lovin’ Chewy tells us about a place with a $25 2 hour massage! We have him make us an appointment for later that day. We arrive at the massage parlor and its beautiful (no happy endings here). It looks like a NY city spa and we are excited (or at least I am in the beginning...I lost a Little excitement when I had to wear men's shoes b/c they had no women's shoes in my HUGE and UNHEARD of size 9). The mens shoes are too big and in order to keep them on I must hang my toes over the end of the shoe ...seriously, one of my all time worst pet peeves…toes hanging over the edge of shoes…..arghhhh!!!! Ang and I decide to have a "couples" style massage, so we can be right next to eachother. Our massage is broken down into 1 hour sessions. The first is traditional Thai massage and the second is an aromatherapy Swedish massage. Between the two massages, we are left alone and asked to strip down and put on some spa supplied mesh undies ….yes, I said “mesh” underwear. Apparently while I was busy trying to squeeze my ass into these one size fits all (all Asian women maybe) mesh undies Angie was summoned by the "Super Gods" her mission was clear and she was ready to roll .....Super Masseuse had arrived. The mesh undies on her head, cleverly using the leg holes as eye holes, she jumps up so the world can see Super Masseuse for the first time! Seriously, we couldn't stop laughing and I think we pissed off the massage ladies a bit but we didn't give a shit, we loved it! When the massage was over, I felt like someone had kicked my ass and my bad ankle was now the size of a soccer ball!! All was forgotten and life was beautiful again once we had our cup of stinky foot tea (don’t ask…). Ahhhhh, the joys of travel!

Elephants, Manhoots and Rafts...Oh My!

Where do I start….sigh? We are in Chiang Mai, Thailand and today was one of the days I was most looking forward too. According to our (private) tour itinerary today we would take a group elephant ride through the jungle followed by an elephant show. From there, we would visit 5 of Chiang Mai’s Hill Tribes (mostly boat people from Burma who fled across the border to Thailand seeking refuge). The Hill Tribes are known for their silver work and their textiles. And at the end of the day we would take a “bamboo raft tour” of the Ping River….. This is how our day was “supposed” to go but here is how it actually went….We were picked up by Tom around 8am and we head out for the “Elephant Centre”. What I didn’t realize at the time was that the Elephant Centre had been removed from our itinerary because of an email I had sent prior to our arrival in Thailand. See…I had heard that some of the elephant camps use hook training to control their elephants; the Manhoot (elephant jockey) will hit the elephant with a hook, breaking its skin and causing it pain as a way of managing the elephant’s behavior. Upon learning this I immediately sent an email to our tour company requesting that we NOT have a hook trained elephant but rather a voice trained elephant. (If you know me at all…then you know I am a true animal lover and could never knowingly participate in animal cruelty which is what I consider hook training to be). OK…moving right along, the tour company assured me that this particular elephant camp didn’t use hook training so we kept our reservation. So we arrive at the “elephant camp” which is really just a house in the middle of the jungle with one elephant….just one. I decide I should use the facilities before we embark on our journey. Of course the toilet (and I use this term loosely) is typical for this part of the world, a hole in the ground with treads on either side so you don’t slip. Let me start by saying “treads” made of porcelain really don’t provide much holding power…..you know where I'm going with this right… So mid-pee, I slip on the “treads” and proceed to pee all over my left shoe and my undergarments…I call out for Angie and despite her hysterical laughter, she provides me with some wet naps… I realize my panties simply must go…so off they come and into the jungle they are thrown as there is no trash can and I'm not really comfortable handing my wet underwear to the Thai guy who is impatiently waiting for me to get my ass on his elephant. I cant help but wonder what this guys wife said when she found my undies lying in thier yard...
Going commando is not normally my thing but what choice do I have?? So I make my way over to the elephant platform which is at least 250 years old. The wood is so rotten its see through! I ask our tour guide what happened to the elephant “camp” and he says; “you wanted a voice trained elephant, this is the only one we have”. So no elephant show, no camp, just a work elephant owned by a single guy. Our Manhoot is literally 12 years old and he has obviously just woken up as his bed head is in full effect, oh, and he speaks absolutely NO English. So it’s going to be Angie, me and this kid on a voice trained elephant. (read: not a very obedient elephant) But first, I have to climb the 250 year old rotted wood platform to board our jimmy rigged elephant. The platform is barely hanging on and speaking of barely hanging on our elephant “seat” is held on to the elephant by a single piece of rope. Needless to say, I am scared shitless…and pantyless. So we begin our trek & within the first 5 minutes I drop my water bottle on the ground ….because that’s how I roll. The infant Manhoot jumps off the elephant to fetch my water and the elephant starts to take off ….with me and Angie still on the barley hanging on seat. I scream and the Manhoot realizes what’s happened and yells, the elephant stops thank God because I was this close to shitting my underwearless pants! So we continue our ride, the whole while I am convinced the jimmy rigged seat is going to slide off the elephants back landing us in one of the many dump truck size shits he has taken along the way…somehow, we safely arrive at the first Hill Tribe Village. Of course I am now faced with another see thru 250 year old platform and once again see my life flashing before my eyes…somehow I manage not to hurt myself getting off the elephant and we press on. The first 4 Hill Tribe visits were great. We brought candy for the kids so we are like Santa Clause handing out goodies as we go from village to village. Finally we reach the fifth village and it is clear they do not appreciate tourists in their village. The previous 4 had items to sell (textiles etc.) but this last one did not. They were rude, and were too busy beating a dog to pay us any attention...which of course made me want to beat them like they were beating the poor doggy. I cant help but wonder why the hell a tour company would send us to a village where they clearly don’t want any visitors?? So we left and headed to our bamboo raft tour. Once again, our “tour” is anything but… we board a flimsy bamboo raft with a 15 year old “captain” who again, speaks not a word of English. Our tour guide doesn’t join us because he’s a lazy bastard and wants to sleep in the van (which he had done most of the day) So we board our “boat” (see photo) and our teenage guide starts pushing us down the Ping River. After about 5 minutes we hear rushing water…Angie and I look at each other…what the hell is that?? Of course we can’t ask our tour guide because she speaks no English and the only Thai words Angie and I know are “thank you” and “not too spicy” …we try both of those but get nothing. The rushing water sound is getting louder and louder and we are starting to wonder, is this a white water bamboo raft trip….what about the fact that we both have our feet in several inches of water because the raft is a hundred years old (like everything else here) and not put together very well. Then we see what looks like white water up ahead…if I hadn’t already tossed my underwear …well, never mind….The white water is small and we survive it but overall the tour sucks ass!! It’s frustrating because we can’t ask questions about the things we are seeing; like the graffiti on the side of the river or the kid herding his water buffalos across the river while screaming and beating them with a stick or the piles of trash lined alongside the river…we have so many questions but no answers…..we give our two key phrases another try ….”thank you”??? “Not too spicy” ??? Nothing….. the raft pulls up to the shore and we board our van for the long trek back to Chiang Mai and of course, our wonderful tour guide Tom sleeps the entire time…

Annie Tranny & The Impossible Man (Rated X)

Ang & I have a 5 star meal on the roof of the Banyan Tree Hotel in Bangkok which is a 60 story building with breathtaking views of Bangkok! We enjoy vanilla lychee martinis and a 6 course meal all of which is absolutely fabulous! We finish our meal and head down to the lobby…somewhere along the way we decide that we should go see one of Bangkok’s famous shows…the “Ping Pong Show”. Sooo, we arrive at the bell desk and ask the attendant to call us a taxi and when he asks where we are going I lean in and quietly say “Ping Pong Show” …I follow it up with a wink for good measure. At first he pretends he doesn’t know what I am talking about….he says; “Ping Pong Show”?? I lean in again and say….”Dude, this is Bangkok, don’t play dumb with me; I know there is a PING PONG SHOW (I pronounce it slow and deliberately) and I know you know where it is”. He nervously looks around and then whispers in my ear…wait right here. AH HA!! At last we will experience some debauchery in Bangkok…the world capital of debauchery!!! The guy comes back and he’s walking towards me like he’s about to give me the secret code to the Nuclear bombs located in his basement. He looks around then points towards a beat up taxi and says, “go with him, he will take you where you want to go and he will wait for you while you watch the show”. So Ang & I get into the cab and the driver looks at me in his rear view mirror and simply says “Ping Pong” and I say yes…then he reiterates….PING PONG? This time he means it and again, I say YES….P I N G P O N G (dammit!) He proceeds to race across town nearly killing 3 dogs and one pedestrian along the way. We arrive at a very non-descript place that looks like a restaurant but without the food. It’s very sparse with old cafeteria style booths and there seems to be a lot of taxi drivers sitting around but no food which strikes me as weird since the “disguise” is obviously supposed to be a restaurant.
Our driver leads us to a stairwell and gives us a cryptic message about ballering…..huh? Once we get up stairs we realize he meant “bartering” and we have to barter for our entrance fee. We get in for about $5 (total) which includes 2 drinks and Ang has her camera and her camera phone confiscated for the duration of the show. While Bangkok remains the debauchery capital of the universe, most people don’t realize that sex shows, prostitution etc. are against the law here. We were told that the government looks the other way because the sex industry brings in extraordinary amounts of tourism dollars.
So now we are in the “show room” which has a small stage surrounded on three sides by 3 levels of seating. Ang & I head up to the level furthest away from the stage (which is still only 15 feet away) and almost immediately an attractive woman appears on stage, naked of course, she begins pulling a faux flower lei out of her hoo-hah (vajayjay, hooch, crotch..Whatever, it’s all the same but for the purpose of this story it will be referred to as an “HH” from here on in). So she is pulling this thing for like 5 minutes, non-stop and ends up with a pile of flower lei about 30 feet long at her feet…..Ang & I look at each other….who knew?? The next girl who comes on stage is not so attractive; she is about 6 ft tall, Japanese and weighs about 90lbs. We immediately name her Annie Tranny because she looks like an anorexic trans woman; in fact the only thing convincing me that she isn’t is the fact that she is naked. While she is prepping on stage, one of her cohorts is handing out balloons to random men in the audience. Annie then proceeds to lay down on the stage and insert a blow gun into her HH and …..fwoooom, a dart flies across the room and pops one of the balloons…HOLY SHIT…she just shot a DART out of her HH!!! She does this several more times missing some of the balloons and popping others. Eventually she runs out of darts (and one would assume air…?) and departs the stage. We watch for about an hour as random girls use their HH to shoot ping pong balls, paint pictures, open beer bottles, blow out candles etc. The most disturbing of all was Annie’s second show which consisted of her pulling a string of razor blades out of her HH. She uses one of the blades to cut some paper, to validate their cutting power….ouch!!
So we get ready to leave and a woman who we assumed to be the “Manager” (or Madame…) blocks the exit and asks us politely to stay. She tells us that she has a “special show” which is on next. Ang & I reluctantly turn around and this time we decide to sit in the front row, anxious about what this “special show” will entail….maybe they will sing a song from their HH…who knows!? We sit down and out of the blue a naked man appears. He looks Japanese; he is very handsome and has a horse sized you PP which he is putting a condom on …...Ang & I are now realizing what she meant by “special show”. We name this man Mr. Impossible because frankly, we didn’t think any man could be Japanese, good looking AND hung….it just seemed highly unlikely. Anyway, next thing we know Annie joins Mr. Impossible on stage and the show begins…and boy was it “special”. I don’t think Ang or I closed our mouth the entire time, it was like watching a train wreck! Annie was tossed around like a 6 ft. tall rag doll while Mr. Impossible couldn’t stop starring at Ang & I which was creepy beyond words.
When we went back down stairs our driver was waiting. He looked at us and said, Enjoy? I wasn’t sure how to answer that so I didn’t. We got back into the taxi and when he dropped us off at our hotel the entire taxi bill was $4. This was an evening we won’t soon forget….