The Crazies Visit Europe

My husband Lee and I visited Europe in the summer of 2006, I should preface this by telling you that the emails are complete and total fabrications (well….they were actual emails that I sent to my work colleagues but there is not an ounce of truth to them). My poor hubby became the primary focus of my fabrication which he has been a good sport about. In reality he is kind, loving and a bit on the quiet side which made my fictional emails even more hilarious…..enjoy

Email (1) from Paris – our first stop

Bonjour!

Lee and I are having a great time in gay Paris. Lee (trying to get into the French spirit) purchased a raspberry beret; you know the kind you find in a second hand store...a raspberry beret!! Unfortunately, when it’s warm he doesn't wear much more........ and it’s very, very warm. Moving right along, Lee and I (a barley dressed beret wearing Lee) headed out for dinner yesterday and Lee (being drunk as a skunk) slipped on a piece of brie and broke his foot. Now he's in a wheel chair....just him and his raspberry beret. So I've reluctantly become his pack mule and am forced to cart his ass around Paris...hmmmm, why does this sound familiar? Anyway, Lee (in his bitterness) has now taken to yelling obscenities at random people and has decided that French cigarettes are more his style (you know, the long skinny ones with the plastic tip). We are supposed to head to Venice tonight however, I can’t seem to coerce Lee out of the damn whore house so I may just leave his naked, raspberry beret wearing ass in gay Paris and head to Venice alone.....hmmmm, a tall Italian man is sounding pretty good right now, maybe Lee's tragic fall from grace is my saving grace?? Anyway, I will keep you posted but right now I have to gag Lee (he's yelling obscenities at the officer who dragged him out of the whore house) and get him dressed and sobered up....sigh.

I miss u all and may or may not return......

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Email (2) from Venice – our second stop

Hola!
Lee and I just barely made it to Venice; I made his bail just in time for us to catch our train.
Unfortunately, he stopped bathing before we left France and I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. He’s also taken up public urination and actually prefers to pee on the public not just in public. He’s found a new "sport" he lovingly calls, "fucking with those freaky people" which he prefers to play when he is smashed and includes harassing elderly, disabled and just plain ugly people. Luckily most of them don't understand English and assume he is a mentally retarded American simply saying hello to them. Sadly, I have also developed some problems while visiting Europe. It seems that I have contracted a Polio type disease which leaves me unable to walk (especially on stairs) which Venice happens to be full of. Lee takes much delight in my new found disability and often includes me in his drunken cruelness. Also, my incessant gorging on croissants, cheese, wine and chocolate has added a bit of weight to my normally “slender” body...not much though, if I had to guess I would say around 80lbs. The only reason I even noticed was because my clothes dont fit me anymore. Lee feeling bad that I had nothing to wear, stole some sheets off a Venetian clothes line. Now I have "dresses" in many colors and designs. He is soooo good to me!!
Well, I have to run now; Lee is being chased by some American with a disabled daughter. I assume Lee yelled something cruel about her disability and unfortunately, because they are American they understood him. I need to go save him....again.

Love you

PS Lee's leg has miraculously healed....I think he may have been faking it....hmmmm, why does this feel like a déjà vu??

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Email (3) from Florence - our 3rd Stop


Ciao (is that hello or goodbye)??

We are in Florence now and it is lovely. Lee is still carrying on with his turrets and drinking binges but I am coping. We went to see “David” today and I guess I spanked his marble bottom one too many times because my hand is bruised and unusable now. Sadly it is my right hand so I am forced to eat (and do everything else) with my left hand which I am not used to doing. I tried eating some Gelato today but ended up dropping it all over the front of me. I now have chocolate stains all over me. Then some random Italian guy just walked up to me and gave me 2 Euro’s……I wonder what that was about? Anyway, we are off to the Uffizi Museum and some sort of bath house. They didn’t give any details on the bath house portion of our day which I thought was strange but since we booked through “Rainbow Tours” I'm sure it will be just fine. For some reason, they kept referring to Lee as my “partner” in all of the information packets they sent and even stranger, they told us to bring “protection”?? I guess it’s not safe to visit a bath house without proper protection so I made sure Lee took his cattle prod. Anyway, our pink bus is here so we have to run!

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Email (4) from London – our last stop

Hello!

Sorry we haven't been in touch for almost a week; we haven't had access to the internet until today. While in southern Italy visiting Cosimo & his family there were no computers available to us nor were there any internet cafes......did I mention it was a ''small'' town''?? Small yes but also AMAZING, what an experience we had there! Truly a once in a (lucky) lifetime deal, I can’t wait to share it with you when we get home.

We are in London now, getting ready to hit the town. We have had a fabulous, amazing and wonderful trip however; we are both pretty tired and looking forward to returning home (even if only for one night....sigh.) We are flying out of Heathrow tomorrow, Saturday afternoon (around 2pm London time) and should be back in AZ on Saturday at around 6pm or so. Unfortunately, I have to do laundry and pack so I can be ready for my NJ flight which leaves on Sunday morning at 8am and will most likely not be able to catch up with most of you (mom is the exception here) until Monday or so. Please don't take it personally if you don't hear from me until Monday or Tuesday. I just can’t begin to tell you how tired I am right now. I turned into”slap happy Chrissy" a few days ago and have been laughing almost non-stop ever since. I seriously don't think I have ever laughed this much in my entire life!! I am convinced we walked no less than 400 miles on this trip (much of which was UP HILL). My legs and feet are staging a coup as we speak and I am laughing out loud in the internet cafe now......again.

Love you,
"Slap happy Chrissy" and "Damn tired of slap happy Chrissy Lee"