Vomit, Shit and fetid meat in Uganda

(This was an actual email sent home from Uganda)
Phew, today has been one hell of a day.....this will be a long one but worth the read...I promise!! So my day starts at 5:30am and by 6:15 I have eaten breakfast and am waiting in the lobby for my driver to arrive. I am heading to Entebbe which is on the shores of Lake Victoria. From there I will be taking a boat to Ngamba Island where I will visit a chimp orphanage started by Jane Goodall. Darrell & I had "Chinese food" last night at what was supposed to be one of the top 2 restaurants in all of Uganda....I’m convinced the "chicken" dish we semi-enjoyed was not at all chicken as it was oily, fatty and not very good. So my driver picks me up this morning and of course, he is driving like a maniac (this is par for the course in Kampala) I immediately felt that fetid meat gurgling in my tummy. After 45 minutes we arrived in Entebbe. I wasn’t feeling well so I headed to the restrooms, when I got there I found (brace yourselves) 3 toilets completely overflowing with shit....this was my breaking point, last night’s mystery meat took over and I promptly puked all over the floor then filled up the sink with puke too. Phew....finally free from the fetid meat and feeling a bit better, I boarded my boat for Ngamba Island. Being the classic dip-shit that I am, I didn’t think to put on sunscreen and didn’t remember to put any in my bag either.....yah, I'm 150 miles from the friggen equator.... on a boat..... Without sunscreen ...real smart! Needless to say, I am very sunburned! When I finally get back to the hotel around 2pm Darrell (who stayed behind due to not feeling well) is awake, feeling better and rearing to go to Jinja. I on the other hand am tired, hot and sunburned but Darrell doesn’t care about me so we get a taxi and start our 1+ hour journey to Jinja. Not surprisingly, our taxi driver is...you guessed it, a maniac and in this case, the term "maniac" may be giving him a bit too much credit. In Kampala, there are only 2 lanes for traffic; however, there are never less than 4 cars in these 2 lanes all of which are going in every direction. There are also huge potholes, various types of livestock and families of 5 riding on a single moped, limbs hanging out in every direction just asking to be ripped off by a passing taxi...like ours. Did I mention that our taxi's breaks don’t work very well? So when the need to brake arises, our driver simply improvises by swerving into the other lane of oncoming traffic. Miraculously, we make it to Jinja although I am ready to scream! I am relieved to be out of the death car and on my own feet wandering around Jinja. Jinja is quaint, only a few small shops line the streets as its main attraction is being the source of the great Nile River. When our tour is completed, I decide to slip our driver $20 on the down low (I have to do this on the “down low” because Darrell is to damn cheap to tip). Despite Darrell’s frugality, I give my secret tip to the driver and I tell him he had better slow down on the way back or else!! He pretends to agree to my terms and off we go. Once on the road, Darrell is insisting the driver turn the AC on. See Darrell is in the front seat which is actually cooled by the AC; I on the other hand, am in the back seat sweating profusely. The only thing the AC does is blow body odor at me ….full force. I keep asking D to open the windows but he is oblivious to my pain…what else is new!! Suddenly we are diverted from the main road because of an accident. We are sent down a side road with about a million other cars, motorbikes, buses etc. The road is dirt and badly rutted, however this doesn’t seem to faze our driver and he continues at his 90 mph. pace despite the road conditions. Finally he decides he’s had enough of this detour and quickly decides to cut across a soccer field filled with kids. Before we can speed across the child filled field, we have to make it through a ditch which we promptly get stuck in. We have to get out and push…did I mention it was over 100 degrees out?? Moving along, once we are freed from the ditch, our driver steps on it and races across the soccer field honking at the kids who are playing soccer. The kids take off in every direction in an attempt to get away from our speeding taxi. I am in the back seat hiding; I’m trying to hold back my overwhelming desire to SCREAM! Somehow I manage to keep my screams to myself and thankfully, despite the drivers best efforts we leave no carnage in our wake…..yet.
Somehow, we end up back on the street and to another impasse, this time the driver decides to pass on the left (they drive on the left here) and low and behold out of nowhere comes a man walking his bike.....I see it coming, I cover my eyes and then I hear it …. CRASH…. we completely wipe out this guys bike and knock him to the ground in the process. Almost immediately an angry, machete wielding mob assails our taxi. While machetes are a common site in Uganda it was frightening none the less. I try to get out of the taxi with Darrell and our driver and am immediately told to STAY IN THE CAR! The machete people are yelling and waiving their chosen weapons in the air. I’m thinking...Holy shit, this will be a good story for the family…if I live to tell it! Finally, Darrell and the driver strike a deal with the injured man and send him to the hospital (his only injury was a cut knee where a screw from his bike tire "bit" him) the angry mob disperses...phew, that was close! (This is all true; I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried). An hour later, we arrive safe and sound at our hotel in Kampala. Tomorrow we have an 11 hour drive to The Bwindi Impenetrable Forest for 3 days of gorilla trekking which I am looking forward too. I have to mention that there is actually more to this day....seriously, think angry Europeans whining about not being able to cuddle & kiss the chimps on Ngamba Island, Darrell trying to buy $80 worth of stuff for $5 and guards armed with machine guns yelling at our driver for who the hell knows what, in a language we don’t understand....again, I couldn’t make this up ....this was my day today...I hope your day was a little better
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The Crazies Visit Europe

My husband Lee and I visited Europe in the summer of 2006, I should preface this by telling you that the emails are complete and total fabrications (well….they were actual emails that I sent to my work colleagues but there is not an ounce of truth to them). My poor hubby became the primary focus of my fabrication which he has been a good sport about. In reality he is kind, loving and a bit on the quiet side which made my fictional emails even more hilarious…..enjoy

Email (1) from Paris – our first stop

Bonjour!

Lee and I are having a great time in gay Paris. Lee (trying to get into the French spirit) purchased a raspberry beret; you know the kind you find in a second hand store...a raspberry beret!! Unfortunately, when it’s warm he doesn't wear much more........ and it’s very, very warm. Moving right along, Lee and I (a barley dressed beret wearing Lee) headed out for dinner yesterday and Lee (being drunk as a skunk) slipped on a piece of brie and broke his foot. Now he's in a wheel chair....just him and his raspberry beret. So I've reluctantly become his pack mule and am forced to cart his ass around Paris...hmmmm, why does this sound familiar? Anyway, Lee (in his bitterness) has now taken to yelling obscenities at random people and has decided that French cigarettes are more his style (you know, the long skinny ones with the plastic tip). We are supposed to head to Venice tonight however, I can’t seem to coerce Lee out of the damn whore house so I may just leave his naked, raspberry beret wearing ass in gay Paris and head to Venice alone.....hmmmm, a tall Italian man is sounding pretty good right now, maybe Lee's tragic fall from grace is my saving grace?? Anyway, I will keep you posted but right now I have to gag Lee (he's yelling obscenities at the officer who dragged him out of the whore house) and get him dressed and sobered up....sigh.

I miss u all and may or may not return......

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Email (2) from Venice – our second stop

Hola!
Lee and I just barely made it to Venice; I made his bail just in time for us to catch our train.
Unfortunately, he stopped bathing before we left France and I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. He’s also taken up public urination and actually prefers to pee on the public not just in public. He’s found a new "sport" he lovingly calls, "fucking with those freaky people" which he prefers to play when he is smashed and includes harassing elderly, disabled and just plain ugly people. Luckily most of them don't understand English and assume he is a mentally retarded American simply saying hello to them. Sadly, I have also developed some problems while visiting Europe. It seems that I have contracted a Polio type disease which leaves me unable to walk (especially on stairs) which Venice happens to be full of. Lee takes much delight in my new found disability and often includes me in his drunken cruelness. Also, my incessant gorging on croissants, cheese, wine and chocolate has added a bit of weight to my normally “slender” body...not much though, if I had to guess I would say around 80lbs. The only reason I even noticed was because my clothes dont fit me anymore. Lee feeling bad that I had nothing to wear, stole some sheets off a Venetian clothes line. Now I have "dresses" in many colors and designs. He is soooo good to me!!
Well, I have to run now; Lee is being chased by some American with a disabled daughter. I assume Lee yelled something cruel about her disability and unfortunately, because they are American they understood him. I need to go save him....again.

Love you

PS Lee's leg has miraculously healed....I think he may have been faking it....hmmmm, why does this feel like a déjà vu??

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Email (3) from Florence - our 3rd Stop


Ciao (is that hello or goodbye)??

We are in Florence now and it is lovely. Lee is still carrying on with his turrets and drinking binges but I am coping. We went to see “David” today and I guess I spanked his marble bottom one too many times because my hand is bruised and unusable now. Sadly it is my right hand so I am forced to eat (and do everything else) with my left hand which I am not used to doing. I tried eating some Gelato today but ended up dropping it all over the front of me. I now have chocolate stains all over me. Then some random Italian guy just walked up to me and gave me 2 Euro’s……I wonder what that was about? Anyway, we are off to the Uffizi Museum and some sort of bath house. They didn’t give any details on the bath house portion of our day which I thought was strange but since we booked through “Rainbow Tours” I'm sure it will be just fine. For some reason, they kept referring to Lee as my “partner” in all of the information packets they sent and even stranger, they told us to bring “protection”?? I guess it’s not safe to visit a bath house without proper protection so I made sure Lee took his cattle prod. Anyway, our pink bus is here so we have to run!

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Email (4) from London – our last stop

Hello!

Sorry we haven't been in touch for almost a week; we haven't had access to the internet until today. While in southern Italy visiting Cosimo & his family there were no computers available to us nor were there any internet cafes......did I mention it was a ''small'' town''?? Small yes but also AMAZING, what an experience we had there! Truly a once in a (lucky) lifetime deal, I can’t wait to share it with you when we get home.

We are in London now, getting ready to hit the town. We have had a fabulous, amazing and wonderful trip however; we are both pretty tired and looking forward to returning home (even if only for one night....sigh.) We are flying out of Heathrow tomorrow, Saturday afternoon (around 2pm London time) and should be back in AZ on Saturday at around 6pm or so. Unfortunately, I have to do laundry and pack so I can be ready for my NJ flight which leaves on Sunday morning at 8am and will most likely not be able to catch up with most of you (mom is the exception here) until Monday or so. Please don't take it personally if you don't hear from me until Monday or Tuesday. I just can’t begin to tell you how tired I am right now. I turned into”slap happy Chrissy" a few days ago and have been laughing almost non-stop ever since. I seriously don't think I have ever laughed this much in my entire life!! I am convinced we walked no less than 400 miles on this trip (much of which was UP HILL). My legs and feet are staging a coup as we speak and I am laughing out loud in the internet cafe now......again.

Love you,
"Slap happy Chrissy" and "Damn tired of slap happy Chrissy Lee"