Ang & I have a 5 star meal on the roof of the Banyan Tree Hotel in Bangkok which is a 60 story building with breathtaking views of Bangkok! We enjoy vanilla lychee martinis and a 6 course meal all of which is absolutely fabulous! We finish our meal and head down to the lobby…somewhere along the way we decide that we should go see one of Bangkok’s famous shows…the “Ping Pong Show”. Sooo, we arrive at the bell desk and ask the attendant to call us a taxi and when he asks where we are going I lean in and quietly say “Ping Pong Show” …I follow it up with a wink for good measure. At first he pretends he doesn’t know what I am talking about….he says; “Ping Pong Show”?? I lean in again and say….”Dude, this is Bangkok, don’t play dumb with me; I know there is a PING PONG SHOW (I pronounce it slow and deliberately) and I know you know where it is”. He nervously looks around and then whispers in my ear…wait right here. AH HA!! At last we will experience some debauchery in Bangkok…the world capital of debauchery!!! The guy comes back and he’s walking towards me like he’s about to give me the secret code to the Nuclear bombs located in his basement. He looks around then points towards a beat up taxi and says, “go with him, he will take you where you want to go and he will wait for you while you watch the show”. So Ang & I get into the cab and the driver looks at me in his rear view mirror and simply says “Ping Pong” and I say yes…then he reiterates….PING PONG? This time he means it and again, I say YES….P I N G P O N G (dammit!) He proceeds to race across town nearly killing 3 dogs and one pedestrian along the way. We arrive at a very non-descript place that looks like a restaurant but without the food. It’s very sparse with old cafeteria style booths and there seems to be a lot of taxi drivers sitting around but no food which strikes me as weird since the “disguise” is obviously supposed to be a restaurant.
Our driver leads us to a stairwell and gives us a cryptic message about ballering…..huh? Once we get up stairs we realize he meant “bartering” and we have to barter for our entrance fee. We get in for about $5 (total) which includes 2 drinks and Ang has her camera and her camera phone confiscated for the duration of the show. While Bangkok remains the debauchery capital of the universe, most people don’t realize that sex shows, prostitution etc. are against the law here. We were told that the government looks the other way because the sex industry brings in extraordinary amounts of tourism dollars.
So now we are in the “show room” which has a small stage surrounded on three sides by 3 levels of seating. Ang & I head up to the level furthest away from the stage (which is still only 15 feet away) and almost immediately an attractive woman appears on stage, naked of course, she begins pulling a faux flower lei out of her hoo-hah (vajayjay, hooch, crotch..Whatever, it’s all the same but for the purpose of this story it will be referred to as an “HH” from here on in). So she is pulling this thing for like 5 minutes, non-stop and ends up with a pile of flower lei about 30 feet long at her feet…..Ang & I look at each other….who knew?? The next girl who comes on stage is not so attractive; she is about 6 ft tall, Japanese and weighs about 90lbs. We immediately name her Annie Tranny because she looks like an anorexic trans woman; in fact the only thing convincing me that she isn’t is the fact that she is naked. While she is prepping on stage, one of her cohorts is handing out balloons to random men in the audience. Annie then proceeds to lay down on the stage and insert a blow gun into her HH and …..fwoooom, a dart flies across the room and pops one of the balloons…HOLY SHIT…she just shot a DART out of her HH!!! She does this several more times missing some of the balloons and popping others. Eventually she runs out of darts (and one would assume air…?) and departs the stage. We watch for about an hour as random girls use their HH to shoot ping pong balls, paint pictures, open beer bottles, blow out candles etc. The most disturbing of all was Annie’s second show which consisted of her pulling a string of razor blades out of her HH. She uses one of the blades to cut some paper, to validate their cutting power….ouch!!
So we get ready to leave and a woman who we assumed to be the “Manager” (or Madame…) blocks the exit and asks us politely to stay. She tells us that she has a “special show” which is on next. Ang & I reluctantly turn around and this time we decide to sit in the front row, anxious about what this “special show” will entail….maybe they will sing a song from their HH…who knows!? We sit down and out of the blue a naked man appears. He looks Japanese; he is very handsome and has a horse sized you PP which he is putting a condom on …...Ang & I are now realizing what she meant by “special show”. We name this man Mr. Impossible because frankly, we didn’t think any man could be Japanese, good looking AND hung….it just seemed highly unlikely. Anyway, next thing we know Annie joins Mr. Impossible on stage and the show begins…and boy was it “special”. I don’t think Ang or I closed our mouth the entire time, it was like watching a train wreck! Annie was tossed around like a 6 ft. tall rag doll while Mr. Impossible couldn’t stop starring at Ang & I which was creepy beyond words.
When we went back down stairs our driver was waiting. He looked at us and said, Enjoy? I wasn’t sure how to answer that so I didn’t. We got back into the taxi and when he dropped us off at our hotel the entire taxi bill was $4. This was an evening we won’t soon forget….
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